i think i'm coming to terms with a messy home, i think. [looks around] okay, i'm not. but one can only do so much in a day.

lately i've been feeling restless. my ankle, which i sprained 4 years ago, still aches. as i lay awake in bed at 4am i make plans on sleeping in and then doing some stretches when i wake up. neither of these happen of course. i hate making plans because it seems 90% of the time, they never occur.

i would like to move to another apartment, one that has tall ceilings and large windows, but the inconveniences of actually moving is discouraging.

pastimes are nice to have if you actually have time to pass.

i do not enjoy my job and i still have "dreams" (no longer plans) of living in another country.

i am going to chicago in march. i kept thinking about crispy pad see ewe last night and i miss sticky rice. i once called my obsession with this restaurant a love affair. i wonder if people who love opart thai in the opposite direction have discovered this gem yet. i hope not. i also miss argyle.

karen and allison are coming in february. i can't wait to actually do things in nyc with other people. hopefully, we can dance floors.

i hope the weather gets better. i have a lot of hope in this as that it is a tiny bit light out at 5pm. cross my fingers.

me and sofia made a vlog. i love watching her watch herself. she is so tickled by it, even for the nth time.

30 rock

even though i saw these in person to get in the spirit of christmas,
i was still definitely missing my friends and family.
i miss the kids the most and singing karaoke in lynn's basement.
oh and eating all those foods and waiting til midnight to open gifts.
we skyped with my family in chicago as soon as we got home from the city.
i told them i wanted to be there when they opened presents.
so in honor of eastern time, they opened gifts at 11pm central time.

<3>

shops

christmas eve

bryant park

morning before christmas

we had the day off christmas eve, so i made it a point to take sofia to bryant park and the rockefeller tree. it was well worth it.

it's the end of another year,
the time when everyone gets all reflective about their
lives, relationships, personal accomplishments.
i know quiet a few people who are struggling, including myself.
some more than others, but really, it's all relative.
and i always remind myself that everyone, everyone, everyone is fighting a hard battle.

i'm personally thankful to have completed a whole year here in new jersey.
to have made it through a whole year at work.
which caused me so much distress and pain and humiliation.
but i survived. i almost quit half way. exactly 6 months into it.
turned in my resignation letter, got an interview in another department and all.
but i have proven to be a valuable part of the organization, and mountains were moved for me to stay.
and so i did. and things are better.
its not the best job or the easiest, but at least i can breathe.

i have survived not just the work itself, but the effort it takes to even get there.
which is a battle all on its own.
i think charles bukowski best writes about this in this poem:

gamblers all

sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think,
I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside
remembering all the times you've felt that way, and
you walk to the bathroom, do your toilet, see that face
in the mirror, oh my oh my oh my, but you comb your hair anyway,
get into your street clothes, feed the cats, fetch the
newspaper of horror, place it on the coffee table, kiss your
wife goodbye, and then you are backing the car out into life itself,
like millions of others you enter the arena once more.

you are on the freeway threading through traffic now,
moving both towards something and towards nothing at all as you punch
the radio on and get Mozart, which is something, and you will somehow
get through the slow days and the busy days and the dull
days and the hateful days and the rare days, all both so delightful
and so disappointing because
we are all so alike and so different.

you find the turn-off, drive through the most dangerous
part of town, feel momentarily wonderful as Mozart works
his way into your brain and slides down along your bones and
out through your shoes.

it's been a tough fight worth fighting
as we all drive along
betting on another day.

sigh.
besides that.
i have survived a year of being away from my
family and friends.
family and friends.
family and friends.
without whom life is difficult to get through.

most importantly, i survived being a mother.
but actually i shouldn't say i "survived" it
because sofia is the one reason that keeps me going through all of this.
and so i thank her and her dad. thank you.
thank you. my loves.

and i thank you, you who reads these posts of mine and looks at my pictures
and even find it in the least bit interesting.
thank you for being a witness to this, this tired existence i call my life.

but i digress.

i really just wanted to share this song with you:

what a joy it is to be alive
to get another chance, yeah
everyday's another chance
to get it right this time
everyday's another chance
oh what a merciful, merciful, merciful God
oh what a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful God

i gotta find peace of mind - lauryn hill

merry christmas gifts to myself. yay!
i love etsy.

(this was a completely impulsive buy...
so i might have buyers remorse later like i always do..
i'll let you know if it works out.)

the description, which also sold me lol:
"The Bella"
Vintage '40s coat
Luxe royal blue wool holiday coat with gorgeous white buttons
from BohemianBisoux


i also finally bought postcards from jen causey...
but mad that someone bought the last ice cream cone postcard set!
i should've bought it before i went to lunch.
now it's gone. boo.

what did you gift yourself for christmas?
i'm sure i'm not the only one who does this... or am i?

H A P P Y H O L I D A Y S !

happy thanksgiving internet friends.

we drove up to westchester, ny and had lunch with our immediate family. we're thankful for a new day and being alive and well. 3.5 hours was spent on the road so we stopped by the stateline looking out to new york. it was really beautiful and peaceful because we were the only ones there. the weather was drizzly and we took pictures while sofia jumped in piles of dead leaves. i took a chance with a newly acquired camera which batteries are hard to find for, and shot without a light meter. on top of which i am using this lomo film which allows you to set your iso between 50-200 to achieve either a desaturated look or the contrary. i am sort of confused about it. but we shall see if it turns out. the rest of the day was spent with the palumbo's. andrew and i have decided they should have their own reality show called, "joe & cherry plus 2... and bob dylan". (because katherine has a crazy do and she looks like him). it was pretty chill and we didn't over stuff ourselves.

now eating leftovers and watching tv all day in our pajamas.

anyhow these are some test shots i took with the minolta srt, which i have been having a love hate relationship with. i am thinking about getting rid of it, but every time i find someone on flickr who shoots with it, i get re-inspired. here are some of my favorite shots with it. the one's with * i had adjusted brightness/color in photoshop.

*

*


*

this book is by a flickr friend long lim, who shoots mainly with the srt. one of the reasons why i wanted to try out this camera. also this story made me want to eat an apple. hence, the apple.