snowed in


for the past so many winters, i find myself saying, "this is the winter of discontent." then the following year, "this is the winter of discontent." and the following year, "no, this is the winter of discontent." and finally this year, "this is definitely the winter of discontent."

i would really like this post not to be about venting and i will try very hard for it not to be. so bare with me.

so much has happened just in the month of january and i'd like for it to stay in january. it is now february.

these have been the most eventful and yet the least inspiring days.

most of which i will blame on the snow, how it has made my commuting life a living hell and used up all my sick days. now that i am really sick, i have to go to work.

i've also been quite ambivalent about nyc and have come to a conclusion that everyone here is miserable. and that the saying, "if you can make it in ny, you can make it anywhere" is true, because ny is probably the worse place to live in. which really sucks, because i really did fall in love with this city and i really want to stay in love with it. perhaps its another one of those relationships that i just can't commit to for the long haul. another love/hate relationship.

the overarching reasons that's causing me to dislike nyc:
1. commuting is rather difficult when you live on the other side of the hudson river and having to cross that river everyday just to get to manhattan. also, nj transit shuts down on certain inclement weather and prevents me from going to work. which is really a blessing in disguise.
2. i am unhappy at my job. certain events have occured that has made me even more uncomfortable there. let's just say i have put up with so much bullcrap already and things are only getting worse.
3. i have no social life
4. "new jerk city" = people here are rude. which is probably the reason for #3 and its probably because they are miserable.
5. maybe i am just too sensitive. ny is not for the faint of heart and i'm just not that kind of person who would argue with random strangers. though lately i find myself in certain situations that's put me on the brink of the the tipping point.

i think these are pretty legit reasons that are making me reconsider moving back to chicago. but then when i think about winter in general, i would much prefer to live in the west coast.

i've been really trying to love ny again, the ny i see in movies. i've been watching a lot of new york city movies/tv shows lately to try and make me fall in love again. mostly woody allen films, meg ryan movies, seinfeld and 3o rock.

if you know any other good ones that might help hold me over til spring, i would greatly appreciate it.


  1. Move out WEST! WITH ME! haha...I'm still in the Chicagoland area, but the country.'s country here. While I love it, I too, am lonely, I ache for community of those who accept my yoga, holistic lifestyle approach. I've never felt more at home than I did when I was in California. I don't know if that is the EXACT West Coast spot for me...but it's out there-I was close! I could FEEL it :) AND there are you can still have the lovely, finding a way to earn a living. That's what it comes down to for me, when it comes to moving out West.

    I think it's AWESOME that you're venting...sometimes it takes unfortunate circumstances to wake us up to the life that is inside of us, the soul that is aching to be let free. Make your plan, set your goals and sooner MUCH sooner than later, we'll all end up living our dreams!

  2. I really know how you feel…….homesickness can be a killer, and sometimes the grass is not greener! I guess to lots of people living in NY is a dream and they wouldn't understand your unhappiness. Same for me; everyone thinks if you live in France you spend your days in cafés, eating fabulous macaroons and living like Amelie. But crap is everywhere, wherever you live. The weather can really drag you down too, so maybe you do need to make a plan to move somewhere a little milder?

  3. move back to chicago, bella. sophia can have playdates with shiloh! and the other kiddos at church....but the winter here is different... because you've adjusted to this type of dreaded "white stuff" and you have a group of friends here that can come to your rescue. well it's not that easy as i speak have family now and it's not like you can just pick up and leave....i'll keep you in prayer, bella. yah...keep watching seinfeld and smile through this winter into spring

  4. rachel: i know what you mean about that feeling, i felt that in portland and/or seattle. i just felt peaceful there and everyone is so calm. i feel like i could be so much happier there and the grass is literally greener! what i am trying to do is find a career which would allow me to find work anywhere i decide to live.

    suzie: you are sooo right about that. and i for one definitely like to imagine that life in france is an amelie movie!! :) well, i like to imagine that life in general was like the cinema, but cinéma-vérité and not all that hollywood stuff. so i'm all about taking the bad with the good. also yes the weather here is bad, but after hearing about the blizzard in chicago last week i am actually a bit glad i am here. hah!

    sha: were going to chicago in march! i don't think i have met your little ones yet. maybe sofie and i will pay a visit to church and say hello to everybody! as for now, depending on whether i get the job or not, i think we'll stay put here. the idea of having all these loving people at arms reach is really enticing though! gosh i am so fickle!