the last couple months

sorry for being quiet around here. i've been preoccupied with a personal quest to achieve health. and i've been doing a lot of research for detoxing and transitioning into raw foods and vegan lifestyle. with that said, i may do an update on that real soon so stay tuned if your interested. i'll try and not make this blog about that. but i figured, since it is a personal blog for documenting my life, health is definitely a huge part of it. as some of you may remember, i've gotten sick really bad last winter, and i realize my immune system is degenerating. so that's the gist of the reason why i've decided to do this. so i'll probably just share my progress and some recipes i've found rather delicious along the way.



~*~

here are some pictures from september

across the bridge from where we live is staten island. i found out that they have this awesome park there and they opened up a chinese garden. in september, they had an Autumn Moon Festival so we checked it out.

old friends, new friends.

i met my friend Qawi in 5th grade. we did a lot of things together for the rest of our grammar school years. we signed up for after school programs, hung out at the roller rink, chased after boys at the park (and got chased by some weird ones too), we slept over each others houses, joined gymnastics, played basketball, we even did cheerleading. i wouldn't have done any of those things if it wasn't for her. after 8th grade she moved to the suburbs and saw her once during high school. after that we lost touch. it wasn't until the day that i was moving to new jersey that we got reunited. 15 years since we last hung out and her presence still feels as if it were only just the other day since we last saw each other. i love that we can still hang out and still feel comfortable telling each other secrets. and i am even more grateful that she also has a daughter who is the same age as mine! it was such a wonderful thing to see Sofia and Chloe get along so well. they took upon each other like old friends. it was like seeing ourselves in the two of them. childhood buddies. there is nothing like it.

\\at the children's museum of manhattan//









\\at fao schwartz//









\\at central park//









"new friends put a smile on my face, i'm so very happy that you're visiting my place."

- yo gabba gabba

taken in the lower east side on the way to see the extraordinary ordinary life of jose gonzalez. which, obviously, would be sold out. people were standing around waiting for scalped tickets outside the rooftop films venue. we ended up watching tree of life instead, which was too long. and i didn't enjoy it much knowing that i was missing out on the extraordinary ordinary life of jose gonzalez, which is probably pretty extraordinary.

on another note. it's august now. the best month to start loving summer again, because soon it will be over and fall begins. summer can be pretty exhausting with all the fun heat. i used to hate summer, but when i think of winter, i realize i'd rather have the heat.

haven't been feeling well all weekend and have been sort of stuck at home. it started friday after lunch, i had a massive headache that wouldn't go away and i left work early because of it. that night i had chills in my bones, the feverish kind. this happened a few times before and i've since learned to manage it. you have to really wrap yourself up so that you can sweat the cold out of your body. that helps a lot. unfortunately, it's not so easy to call in sick when you have a child. so even when your sick, you still have to attend their needs. i finally feel like i have time for myself, which i really need. more and more lately i realize how much i prefer being alone. i don't like chaos, and anything that is out of control. it is exhausting to me. don't get me wrong, i also do not like things to be perfect.. that just weirds me out. i appreciate and find beauty in the imperfect, i just don't like loud and crazy and belligerence. i've also been feeling weird vibes. like something isn't right. and i worry about such things...

anyhow, these pictures are completely unrelated to this post, but they are making me happy at the moment. they were shot throughout the month of may/june. it is taking me a while to complete a roll of film these days, which i now find to be more satisfying.

the first picture was shot one morning at home before i left for work.
the second one is from a bakery in lower east side on our way to a street fest. this was the bakery i went to the first time i visited new york in 2007.
and the third one is from inside a mcdonald's in coney island.

ps. carla morrison saved me today

happy mamas day!

we didn't make any plans for today. then we had all kinds of plans, but we didn't even end up doing what we planned...

this morning when sofia got up from bed, she tells me, "mommy i'll be back. i have a surprise for you. paper and drawing." she then went to the living room, but completely forgot about it. it was a sweet gesture though and that was enough. i don't think she had any idea what mothers day is all about, but i'm sure she had intuited something special about today. she's seriously intuitive like that. when she was only 8 months old and meeting her new jersey family for the first time, she didn't cry. but if it was a person who was not family, she would immediately cry. she's really good with the vibes.

so today adrienne, baby leila and audrey spent the day with us. we initially planned to have a picnic. couldn't decide what to eat though. then decided it was too hot. so i said, let's go to the beach, half joking. then adrienne suggested coney island! so here we are driving towards coney island and thought, man, that's kind of far. so we switched it up to the aquarium instead. turns out the aquarium is located in coney island. so we continued on our merry way. then, sofia said her stomach was hurting, so we decide to take the first exit we see. we didn't know where to find a bathroom though and we kept seeing signs to the staten island zoo. so we ended up at the zoo.

sorry for the tmi. i just thought it was kind of funny. the zoo turned out to be pretty awesome. i saw a lot of animals i haven't seen before, most especially a llama! and they were sooo adorable. there were peacocks just roaming about and we got to feed donkeys, goats, sheep, ponies and the llamas. even though the zoo was small and didn't have lions and bears and tigers, i really liked that people were allowed to interact with most of the animals there.

oh, hello may day

my mind is like an orchard
clustered in frozen portraits
blossoms that blooms so fine
just to drop from the vine
i've seen it all tonight.

spring always looks so nice with all the blooming flowers and greens and warmth of the sunshine.
i wish it felt as good as it looks. but lately i've just been feeling so weary and tired and can't do much but watch movies. i was under the impression that spring was supposed to give you that jolt of energy and make you feel rejuvenated, all young and fresh like the flowers. so while wondering what was wrong with me, i decided to look up spring fever. lo and behold, there it is "frühjahrsmüdigkeit". so funny, because i recognized this word from sewon's recent blog entry. it is a german word that is translated to something like "spring tiredness". my joints have been aching as well as my hips, and i decided to go to yoga with adrienne last night. it actually felt good despite looking pretty ridiculous trying my best to balance on one foot.



this morning was really nice. the sun was out, the sky was blue with white fluffy clouds. a man was mowing the lawn and the cool breeze smelled of fresh cut grass. even though it sounds like such a cliche spring day, it made me feel so good.

so i went and bought myself the gift of an iphone and i was going to chalk it up to spring fever... but whatever, i have made so much justification for this splurge but in the end i am happy that i did. all of these images were taken with it and i have been so addicted to the instagram app, that i have not picked up a real camera for a month. i guess i won't be purchasing a new digital camera.

my thoughts go out to Japan, Hawaii and the Philippines...

be safe J.

these are pictures i took last year. i'm posting them to make up for the lack of pictures i've taken this winter and to remind myself of the little things i love about new york: it's character and quirks. i realize, as i looked through my photo stream, how little i've captured of this. maybe this is a good reminder that my mission here is not over.

i woke up today feeling a sense of lightness i haven't felt in so long. i actually started listening to music again as i commuted to work and i forgot how good it feels when the soundtrack to your life is playing in your ears and you watch it unfold before your eyes. oh, and the sun! i felt the sun on my skin and it felt so good. there was a small patch of sunlight on the sidewalk streaming from behind the buildings and i sure did bask in it.

so, i guess i should tell you, but i hope i don't jinx myself if i do... but i have an interview tomorrow... and i'm real excited about it. for reasons i'll mention if and when i actually do get the job. but for now, i just want to say i haven't felt this happy in a while. it definitely explains the lightness i felt today. all the built up tension on my neck was gone. i even said "hey" (accidentally since i was in such a good mood this morning) to the coworker who i stopped talking to and awkward it was.

also lola v. is back from the Philippines, which all of us are so grateful for. sofia, on the other hand, was just thrilled. when she first saw lola she just stood there staring at her, not moving but she had a huge grin on her face. she's a very shy kid, so if she doesn't recognize you she would probably freeze and hide behind something. she hadn't seen lola since august and i'm sure part of her forgot about her a little bit, but as soon as she saw her and felt her presence she knew. the rest of the night she followed lola v around and hugged her and tugged at her leg. she wouldn't even come to me when i called her and instead she went straight to lola! little punk..

so, i have a huge calendar at work whose days i cross off with a big X. my coworker asked me why i did that, and i explained that it's what prisoners do when they are doing time. she found that rather disturbing and said that something was wrong with me and that i'm in big trouble. hah! but its true. i've felt that way since the first week when i found out what i got myself into. anyhow, i am impressed with myself that i actually have worked there for over a year. it's because a) i'm a masochist. b) i have this need to put myself in "challenging" situations to prove to myself that i can do anything. c) i can't find any other job. d) all of the above.

it is also clear that i am not the only one impressed by how long i've lasted working here. random people who work in other departments still come up to me to tell me how surprised they are that i am still here, or to congratulate me on how long i've lasted. this is no joke.

the past couple of weeks have been nonstop research on possible career paths to pursue. still haven't decided. my whole life thus far has been this endless pursuit to finding something, but today something in me knew that i am exactly where i need to be.

snowed in

for the past so many winters, i find myself saying, "this is the winter of discontent." then the following year, "this is the winter of discontent." and the following year, "no, this is the winter of discontent." and finally this year, "this is definitely the winter of discontent."

i would really like this post not to be about venting and i will try very hard for it not to be. so bare with me.

so much has happened just in the month of january and i'd like for it to stay in january. it is now february.

these have been the most eventful and yet the least inspiring days.

most of which i will blame on the snow, how it has made my commuting life a living hell and used up all my sick days. now that i am really sick, i have to go to work.

i've also been quite ambivalent about nyc and have come to a conclusion that everyone here is miserable. and that the saying, "if you can make it in ny, you can make it anywhere" is true, because ny is probably the worse place to live in. which really sucks, because i really did fall in love with this city and i really want to stay in love with it. perhaps its another one of those relationships that i just can't commit to for the long haul. another love/hate relationship.

the overarching reasons that's causing me to dislike nyc:
1. commuting is rather difficult when you live on the other side of the hudson river and having to cross that river everyday just to get to manhattan. also, nj transit shuts down on certain inclement weather and prevents me from going to work. which is really a blessing in disguise.
2. i am unhappy at my job. certain events have occured that has made me even more uncomfortable there. let's just say i have put up with so much bullcrap already and things are only getting worse.
3. i have no social life
4. "new jerk city" = people here are rude. which is probably the reason for #3 and its probably because they are miserable.
5. maybe i am just too sensitive. ny is not for the faint of heart and i'm just not that kind of person who would argue with random strangers. though lately i find myself in certain situations that's put me on the brink of the the tipping point.

i think these are pretty legit reasons that are making me reconsider moving back to chicago. but then when i think about winter in general, i would much prefer to live in the west coast.

i've been really trying to love ny again, the ny i see in movies. i've been watching a lot of new york city movies/tv shows lately to try and make me fall in love again. mostly woody allen films, meg ryan movies, seinfeld and 3o rock.

if you know any other good ones that might help hold me over til spring, i would greatly appreciate it.