subliminal

It has been a while since my last real update. I have been sick for what feels like three months now. On and off every 2-3 weeks and even during my trip to Chicago. I haven't fully recovered, but today I just felt the need to write something down, despite feeling like my head is full of clouds. And such is my style, I write when I am slightly delirious and only then can I actually form words to purge these thoughts.

These images weren't intentional. I took these pictures with my mind set on documenting how things are now over there to update my memory bank. And well, memories are a funny thing. It is always interesting for me to come back home, or to any familiar place, only to find that though things are different certain feelings remain the same.

Then you realize, memories come back in the form of what they have grown to become. And you meet them again and again and again, spiraling into a rabbit hole you try to avoid falling into. But I digress..

Though I arrive thinking I have new eyes to see with, there is always a greater gravitational pull (perhaps from my mother's couch) that makes me want to just lay there with my eyes closed while bathing in the sunlight. Possibly wishing I was someplace else and nevertheless, comforted all at once. But that is all I have to say about that.

So I have come to accept and love how the images turned out. I believe it was meant to come out distorted or abstracted because truthfully, it comes closest to conveying what my memories and thoughts are made of (with the exception of the last two photographs).

Finally, I will just leave you with this quote, which may or may not further explain/distort what I am trying to say:

"We comfort ourselves by reliving memories of protection. Something closed must retain our memories, while leaving them their original value as images. Memories of the outside world will never have the same tonality as those of home and, by recalling these memories, we add to our store of dreams; we are never real historians, but always near poets, and our emotion is perhaps nothing but an expression of a poetry that was lost."
— Gaston Bachelard (The Poetics of Space)

~*~

ps.
100dBs finally dropped a mix today!!
40 minutes to freedom

click the image ^ and listen.

let's just say I'm dancing in my seat at work right now.

remnants of sheffield house

There was something about this place that felt so peaceful, specially during the day. It reminded me something from my childhood.

There were windows in all the rooms which allowed for beautiful sunlight to come streaming in from all sides of the flat, which also made it feel warm and cozy. I've only been there a few times and these photos were from the day Adrienne moved out.

There was a book next to Leila's crib called, "Undead" by John Russo. I read a few pages while I was there and came across a quote which I found so poignant at that time. I didn't have a pen or paper on me so I decided to e-mail it to myself. Mind you this was back in January and I completely forgot about that quote. I didn't get the e-mail until a couple weeks ago which was odd. Here's the quote:

"Why does life seem so ugly and beautiful and sad and important while you are living it, and so trivial when it is over?

Life is a constant endless creation of graves."

back from chicago.

snowed in

for the past so many winters, i find myself saying, "this is the winter of discontent." then the following year, "this is the winter of discontent." and the following year, "no, this is the winter of discontent." and finally this year, "this is definitely the winter of discontent."

i would really like this post not to be about venting and i will try very hard for it not to be. so bare with me.

so much has happened just in the month of january and i'd like for it to stay in january. it is now february.

these have been the most eventful and yet the least inspiring days.

most of which i will blame on the snow, how it has made my commuting life a living hell and used up all my sick days. now that i am really sick, i have to go to work.

i've also been quite ambivalent about nyc and have come to a conclusion that everyone here is miserable. and that the saying, "if you can make it in ny, you can make it anywhere" is true, because ny is probably the worse place to live in. which really sucks, because i really did fall in love with this city and i really want to stay in love with it. perhaps its another one of those relationships that i just can't commit to for the long haul. another love/hate relationship.

the overarching reasons that's causing me to dislike nyc:
1. commuting is rather difficult when you live on the other side of the hudson river and having to cross that river everyday just to get to manhattan. also, nj transit shuts down on certain inclement weather and prevents me from going to work. which is really a blessing in disguise.
2. i am unhappy at my job. certain events have occured that has made me even more uncomfortable there. let's just say i have put up with so much bullcrap already and things are only getting worse.
3. i have no social life
4. "new jerk city" = people here are rude. which is probably the reason for #3 and its probably because they are miserable.
5. maybe i am just too sensitive. ny is not for the faint of heart and i'm just not that kind of person who would argue with random strangers. though lately i find myself in certain situations that's put me on the brink of the the tipping point.

i think these are pretty legit reasons that are making me reconsider moving back to chicago. but then when i think about winter in general, i would much prefer to live in the west coast.

i've been really trying to love ny again, the ny i see in movies. i've been watching a lot of new york city movies/tv shows lately to try and make me fall in love again. mostly woody allen films, meg ryan movies, seinfeld and 3o rock.

if you know any other good ones that might help hold me over til spring, i would greatly appreciate it.

i think i'm coming to terms with a messy home, i think. [looks around] okay, i'm not. but one can only do so much in a day.

lately i've been feeling restless. my ankle, which i sprained 4 years ago, still aches. as i lay awake in bed at 4am i make plans on sleeping in and then doing some stretches when i wake up. neither of these happen of course. i hate making plans because it seems 90% of the time, they never occur.

i would like to move to another apartment, one that has tall ceilings and large windows, but the inconveniences of actually moving is discouraging.

pastimes are nice to have if you actually have time to pass.

i do not enjoy my job and i still have "dreams" (no longer plans) of living in another country.

i am going to chicago in march. i kept thinking about crispy pad see ewe last night and i miss sticky rice. i once called my obsession with this restaurant a love affair. i wonder if people who love opart thai in the opposite direction have discovered this gem yet. i hope not. i also miss argyle.

karen and allison are coming in february. i can't wait to actually do things in nyc with other people. hopefully, we can dance floors.

i hope the weather gets better. i have a lot of hope in this as that it is a tiny bit light out at 5pm. cross my fingers.

me and sofia made a vlog. i love watching her watch herself. she is so tickled by it, even for the nth time.

christmas morning

morning before christmas

we had the day off christmas eve, so i made it a point to take sofia to bryant park and the rockefeller tree. it was well worth it.

butternut squash soup + harvest salad

so for new years, i'm making it a goal to cook more. not only to save money, but also to learn how to cook all the filipino foods my mom cooked. i realize during the winter time as well as lately, that i've been craving filipino food. i guess because since its a bit heavy, sometimes soupy, and salty it's perfect for the cold winter days. plus it reminds me of my moms home cooking, and thats always comforting. i'm going to start keeping a record of the recipes since my mom only teaches me to eyeball it. so it takes a few research and tries to get it exactly how i remember them.

the following recipe is not filipino and it is also out of season. this meal is clearly meant for fall. so forgive me. but i'm sure you can eat it whenever you feel like it.

butternut squash soup

(adapted from the smitten kitchen)

melt 1/2 stick butter in large pot over medium heat

+ 1 large onion, finely chopped & 4 large garlic cloves, chopped

sautee til tender

add the following ingredients

+ 3 14 1/2-ounce cans low-salt chicken broth

+ 4 cups 1-inch pieces peeled butternut squash (about 1 1/2 pounds)

+ 4 cups 1-inch pieces peeled potatoes (about 1 1/2 pounds)* optional

+ 1 1/4 teaspoons minced fresh thyme

+ 1 1/4 teaspoons minced fresh sage

+ 1 1/2 teaspoons ground cumin

+ 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger

boil and reduce to simmer until squash and potatoes are tender.

if you have a handheld blender you can go ahead and just blend in the pot.

if not, work in batches and transfer into the blender. and return to pot.

stir in 1/8 cup whipping cream and return to simmer.

add kosher salt & freshly ground pepper

croutons

preheat broiler

use 2 tablespoons (1/4 stick) to butter day old slices of baguettes

broil til golden and turn it over

sprinkle
1 cup grated Gruyere cheese
1 teaspoon minced fresh thyme
1 teaspoon minced fresh sage

salt & pepper

broil til cheese melts

ladle soup into bowls and add croutons

harvest salad

large bag of greens

1 pear or apple

1/2 cup dried cherries/cran

4oz crumbled feta/gorgonzola

2oz crumbled pecans/walnuts

raspberry vinaigrette

+ moonlight mile ost

music should play while you cook. it adds flavor ;)

H A P P Y H O L I D A Y S !

my awesome friend {homegirl for life} karen took some photographs of our home when they spent a weekend here this past august. i was really surprised when she showed them to me because i had no idea she was documenting the place and it was a mess.. (as always).

but this is why i love her: she's amazing. her style is always fresh and she always has a different angle on things, both in life and her art. she can capture beauty and reality all at once. which is difficult since reality isn't always beautiful. but she's got something not many people have. she captures glimpses of time. her photographs draws you in and requires a meditative pause. and she does this all the time, each moment different from the other. she is thoughtful and she can make your heart swell. what can i say, i'm one lucky b. to have her in my life.

visit her journal. she captures the best bits of life.

she can take your portraits too :)

http://www.kveephotography.com/

{thanks homie g. you & i are gonna have some major tea + dessert time next month!}

5 senses friday

tasting:

pancake bites. maple sausages wrapped in pancakes. tastes like corn dogs, but for breakfast.

hearing:

high places - from stardust to sentience

feeling:

peaceful

smelling:

honey & maple syrup

seeing:

reflections on windows and mirrors

day 1 of staycation:
listening to : aloe blacc playlist on youtube

so, i took the next 3 days off + the weekend. supposed to fly back to chicago, but tickets went up from $150 - $900 in like a day. but, its all good, i got the days off any how and it would be a lot more relaxing (after i clean this place up) to just stay home anyway. well, after i take this mental break and listen to this mix.

we've been really busy at work. for some reason, after i asked for the days off my desk just suddenly got stocked up by more work. wow, where did that come from? and how is this woman gonna give me 10 piles of paper to do in 1.5 hrs? she thought i wasn't gonna finish that by 5. 5:10 i'm out. on top of that, i was on a bidding war on ebay at 4:45. this is how i good i am with multi-tasking. what is wrong with me.. and what is this an, addiction? well, it sort of fills my thrifting hunger. anyway, i've sort of developed this thing for getting special things in the mail besides junk mail and bills. it's kind of like xmas morning to yourself when you find a little package waiting at the door with your name on it. what a sure sweet thing.

so this week, haven't decided what i'll be doing. maybe i'll go back to manhattan since the weather is looking to be in the upper 50s.

breakfast 5 days a week: tea + oatmeal


brooklyn diary. loved seeing tim harrington in this.


milk bar, cake truffle. oh my.


new francois payard bakery opened up near work.
so far i've tried a hazelnut cake roll and the almond croissant.
both are unforgettable.

i'm exhausted, though my life is pretty mundane. i can only entertain thoughts of excitement.
i find myself daydreaming a lot more lately and i feel really bugged when someone talks to me. i try to have me time at work and plug my ears with my headphones, although at times it really isn't playing anything. i only have one hour of lunch all to myself. people ask me to go to lunch with them, and not to be rude, but i've started bringing lunch just so i could enjoy a quiet moment. i always thought i would be better at socializing when i'm older, but i guess that will never change. perhaps it would be different if people didn't talk too much. i'm especially bothered by the girl who's jaw dropped because i was looking for a bookstore. she was in disbelief. she asked me, "a bookstore? for what?"
"to buy a book to read, duh."
"yeah, but why? that's too much work!"
ha. maybe if she read more, she wouldn't be talking so much hot air.
i guess this is why i'm drawn towards the bookish types. they're usually quiet and when they do speak, they actually have something interesting to say, or at least i imagine so. i for one try to be as boring as i can, but people seem to keep coming back to chat me up. ugh, fail.