☁ ☁ ☁

it's the end of another year,
the time when everyone gets all reflective about their
lives, relationships, personal accomplishments.
i know quiet a few people who are struggling, including myself.
some more than others, but really, it's all relative.
and i always remind myself that everyone, everyone, everyone is fighting a hard battle.

i'm personally thankful to have completed a whole year here in new jersey.
to have made it through a whole year at work.
which caused me so much distress and pain and humiliation.
but i survived. i almost quit half way. exactly 6 months into it.
turned in my resignation letter, got an interview in another department and all.
but i have proven to be a valuable part of the organization, and mountains were moved for me to stay.
and so i did. and things are better.
its not the best job or the easiest, but at least i can breathe.

i have survived not just the work itself, but the effort it takes to even get there.
which is a battle all on its own.
i think charles bukowski best writes about this in this poem:

gamblers all

sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think,
I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside
remembering all the times you've felt that way, and
you walk to the bathroom, do your toilet, see that face
in the mirror, oh my oh my oh my, but you comb your hair anyway,
get into your street clothes, feed the cats, fetch the
newspaper of horror, place it on the coffee table, kiss your
wife goodbye, and then you are backing the car out into life itself,
like millions of others you enter the arena once more.

you are on the freeway threading through traffic now,
moving both towards something and towards nothing at all as you punch
the radio on and get Mozart, which is something, and you will somehow
get through the slow days and the busy days and the dull
days and the hateful days and the rare days, all both so delightful
and so disappointing because
we are all so alike and so different.

you find the turn-off, drive through the most dangerous
part of town, feel momentarily wonderful as Mozart works
his way into your brain and slides down along your bones and
out through your shoes.

it's been a tough fight worth fighting
as we all drive along
betting on another day.

sigh.
besides that.
i have survived a year of being away from my
family and friends.
family and friends.
family and friends.
without whom life is difficult to get through.

most importantly, i survived being a mother.
but actually i shouldn't say i "survived" it
because sofia is the one reason that keeps me going through all of this.
and so i thank her and her dad. thank you.
thank you. my loves.

and i thank you, you who reads these posts of mine and looks at my pictures
and even find it in the least bit interesting.
thank you for being a witness to this, this tired existence i call my life.

but i digress.

i really just wanted to share this song with you:

what a joy it is to be alive
to get another chance, yeah
everyday's another chance
to get it right this time
everyday's another chance
oh what a merciful, merciful, merciful God
oh what a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful God

i gotta find peace of mind - lauryn hill